It’s a rainy and somewhat cold Monday morning here in my town. Fall is here and while the trees are simply gorgeous, the leaves on the ground coupled with the rain and chilly temperatures have created a bit of a soggy mess. I turn to social media only to see what basically seems like the entire world in shock over two characters dying (in a rather graphic and kind of upsetting way) on their favorite TV show. The weekend is back to being 5 days away and the 2 days respite that I just had didn’t really feel relaxing at all. The world of Justin Hoenke seems to be one of doom and gloom at this moment, so here’s a post that attempts to nicely put all of these ideas and thoughts into some cohesive statement that’ll hopefully help me sort things out.
I’m in the “it’s not worth it” mood at this moment. I wake up every day and try to be a positive force for the world, be it through libraries, community events, or just in day-to-day situations. Is it working? I don’t know. I see a world full of issues that don’t seem to be resolvable. I think what makes me the most sad is that the issues that we’re debating and fighting over are in fact easily solvable and that our time focused on them are what is really holding back humans from reaching their fullest potential. We’re wasting so much time on things that we can fix!
I think about my long term health in the middle of all of this. I want to give my best to my work so that I can make a difference, but at what cost? I don’t want to die at age 65 just because I wanted to make a difference in the world. I just had a conversation with a community member who has been thinking about the same thing. She said “I want to be old, sit on my back porch, and hang out and enjoy the world.” I want that too. But is that life possible for those that have a drive to do something great? I don’t know. I don’t understand how to shut that part of me off.
I don’t enjoy myself in the moment much these days. I feel irritable and cranky. I want to surround myself with the people that I love the most but at the same time I want to run away from them so that I don’t cause them any grief or pain. Taking Justin out of the picture would, in my opinion, cut out any chance of negativity in their lives.
Right now I believe that it’s a lost week for working towards something positive. Maybe next week will be better. Maybe not. Everything’s kind of on hold until November 8 passes, eh?