I see my creative drive as a waveform. It oscillates as I move through time and space, going through highs and lows, peaks and valleys. The X axis is the never-ending passage of time. The Y axis is the intensity and connection that I have to that creative moment in time. Taking this huge part of my life and laying it out in a simple visual form helps me understand not only where I’ve been and where I may be going but where I am at this exact place in time. Being aware of the present moment has helped me be a human being so much recently. When I am in my present moment be it happy, sad, tired, overwhelmed, etc, I can now stop and think about how I got to that moment and where I will be going in the future. It has helped minimize the overwhelming feeling that may come in the moment. It has shown me that while that moment in time is a big thing that it can easily be explained by what came before and what could come after.
The ability to create is a must for my overall happiness. When I am in an environment where I can create freely and honestly I am at my happiest and am of most use to others that are in my orbit. For many years Fidelia Hall was my home and the place that allowed my creativity to flourish. When we decided to move away from Fidelia Hall to New Zealand I knew that I was giving up that place and because of that the world around me would collapse and need to be rebuilt. The collapse (and I use collapse pretty liberally here) happened and was a lot bigger than I thought it would be. Using the idea of creativity as a waveform I look back to see where I was and where I will be headed. At Fidelia Hall I was able to create a lot of music in 3 years. I recorded what is to date the collection of music which I am most proud of (Fidelia Hall). In the middle of all of that there were tough moments and times, but creatively it was a high point. This shows me that I was on a creative high peak and that in the middle of that there were day to day ups and downs that came and went. Coming to New Zealand was the end of life at Fidelia Hall and with that came the other side of the waveform where I came down into a lower period. That period has been marked with highs and lows in my day to day life, much like life at Fidelia Hall. These were the similarities that I recognized as I looked at a fuller picture. Things go up and down day to day, but overall I can be in one place or another creatively. On top of that, I can now understand how the day to day and overall points where I am can impact OR NOT impact each other. If I am having a good day I may still be at a lower point with creativity. Or I could be having a crap day and it could totally suck all of the creative drive out of me. What I am seeing is that these things are both connected and completely not connected. There is no rhyme or reason to it all, no exact path to follow. I have to listen to the moment and guide where I can go.
At present I am at a lower point of creativity. This is not to say that I am not creating music. I am, but overall I do not feel as connected to it as I have in the past. There are about 20 musical ideas floating around in my head and my heart but as I try to connect them together I struggle. There are things that I just cannot finish. Everything is a bit all over the place. I have tried to make peace with it and accept that this is where I am at but something else tells me that there’s something else to be done. Looking ahead using the waveform idea I see that I am getting out of this and will be headed towards another rising level of creativity. I am comforted by the ability to know that this is coming. But if you ever see me distracted, looking off into the distance, and not fully aware of my physical place in the world at that moment then perhaps you are seeing the physical manifestation of me at this lower point of creativity. This is me working through how to get out of it and how to solve the things that are going on in my head.
This brief essay is my statement on the learnings I have had when it comes to understanding how my self and my creative drive work together. It came to me over the past few months as a result of a lot of inward reflection over the entire course of my life. With it comes an acceptance of who I am and who I will most likely be for the rest of my life. With this brief essay comes peace, happiness, and understanding, and my hope is that came through in the words I wrote. I hope they can be of some use to you, the reader, because we’re all here to share and work together. Thank you for reading.